Broward County, Florida -- If there's one dude in the news cycle today who doesn't necessarily have a little Captain in him, it has be a 23-year-old fan of low-cost smell-good named David Mlynick. Here's how Dave's adventure in a Publix Grocery Store with his buddy Dennis got him in hot water with the po-po.

It was half-past noon on Monday when Publix store manager Vincent Harris and his assistant manager Michael Farrell say they spotted two young punks up to no good in the men's toiletries. The punks in question were David Mlynick and Dennis Reindel.

Harris corraled Reindel as he exited the store, but he was clean. He'd put whatever the managers thought he lifted back on the shelf. So Vincent Harris headed to the nearby Dollar Store, where he found David Mlynick, who -- for all we know -- was scouting out his next big caper.

That's when Harris confronted young Mlynick and told him to give it up. Harris wanted David Mlynick to give up the Tag Body Spray!

But you know, you don't get in the face of a Tag Body Spray gangsta. Mlynick, according to the police report, became "belligerent." Witnesses say he whipped out his gat, apparently ready to pop a cap in some polyester-bound Publix store manager ass. Soon Mlynick was done with those fools and (probably) pimp-rolling away through the parking lot.

Well, the 5-0 was roused and they came to the scene, where the store managers were still feeling menaced and Dennis Reindel was ready to help. According to the police report (linked at the bottom of this post), Reindel gave police Mlynick's name and attested to seeing the handgun. He also said he thought it was real.

Thinking they had a seriously armed fan of Tag Body Spray to contend with, the cops closed off the last place anyone had seen David Mlynick, the Sheridan Lakes Club Apartments, near the Publix. K9s came in. Choppers hovered over. This was serious business. When it comes to Tag Body Spray and gunplay, neither Publix nor the police will play.

A little after 2 that afternoon, Mlynick was spotted and taken into custody. The police report says everyone fingered him as the pistol packing body spray lover in question.

David Mlynick was arrested. Cops rifled his water bladder pack and backpack and turned up the badass's big, black handgun. The police report indicates that it resembled a .380 handgun.

In keeping with the nature of the entire story, however, it turned out that David Mlynick was actually packing a BB gun all along. Police also found a can of body spray.

If you want to see the kind of MySpace a hardcore dude like David Mlynick might make, look no further than this here link. There you'll find that in addition to his charming taste in eau de toilette, David Mlynick is "a 23Y/O skateboarder, surfer type," who likes "to go to [the] beach, movies." He's apparently a big fan of Ultimate Fighter Chuck Liddell. His favorite book is the Bible, natch, and his sole hero? It's God, bitch. (I added the "bitch" part. Seems to fit.)

Mlynick's headline is "HITONE." I'm still trying to figure out what that means -- "HI TONE" or "HIT ONE." And if it's the latter, hit what? The aisle where they keep the body spray? Hit a fool who prefers Axe?

David Mlynick's bad self is holed up in jail now on a $50,000 bond. It'd probably be more, but the laws governing general stupidity and douchiness are rather vague. Even in Florida. [TSG]