Probation officer gives office BJ to boot-camp teen 1
Her Diary Is Even Scarier 2
Jury Seeks Death for Slasher 3

Monday's Stupid Criminal Countdown: Suicide By Spray Paint Edition

Monday, August 31, 2009 at 10:03 am
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Timothy Kissida tried to trade his hit-and-run BMW in in the Cash for Clunkers program
​Today we begin our inaugural voyage of the Monday Stupid Criminal Countdown, where we visit those whom self-respecting bad guys would never invite to dinner.

5. The Snoring Fugitive: When probation and parole officers came looking for Chad R. Kortin of King, Wisconsin, he managed to escape out the back door of a rural cabin. A fisherman saw him dive into the Wisconsin River and disappear. Alas, our hero wasn't meant for a life on the lam. He was captured the next morning when a nearby resident heard a strange noise coming from his wood pile. Police found Kortin there snoring away.

4. Pot Smoking Police: Honolulu cops Shayne Souza and Kevin Fujioka were playing at a police softball tourney in Vegas when they decided to get intimate in their van with Ms. Marijuana. A cop approached to ask them to move their illegally parked vehicle. But the officers panicked and drove off, and were eventually caught after they abandoned the van and fled on foot. Both are expected to be fired...
 
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Billy Robinson, genius car thief
​3. Cash for Hit-and-Run Clunkers: Timothy Kissida was driving around midnight in Phoenix when he allegedly ran over and killed 52-year-old Charles Waldrop, who was riding his bicycle. Kissida allegedly fled the scene, but reappeared the next morning at a car dealership, hoping to trade his '92 BMW in in the Cash for Clunkers program. The genius claimed he'd hit a javelina -- the Arizona version of a wild pig -- but the dealer wasn't buying the hair farmer's story. He was charged with leaving the scene of a fatal accident and tampering with evidence.

2. Stupid is as Stupid Does: Billy J. Robinson was attempting to steal a car in East Peoria, Illinois when the owner caught him in the midst of peeling the steering column in a Lowe's parking lot. Robinson bolted, and after an extensive search, it appeared that the would-be thief had gotten away. But that's when Robinson showed up at the police station saying he needed bus money to get to Bloomington. Since he fit the description of the auto thief, police searched his possessions. In his care were computer print-outs offering step-by-step directions on how to hot-wire a car.

1. Death by Spray Paint: According to South Carolina police, Thomas James had the grand idea to rob a cell phone store. So he spray painted his face to conceal his identity, rounded up five employees at gunpoint, and stole their wallets and purses. What Jamesd hadn't calculated is that spray paint is, like, kind of toxic. He began having breathing problems shortly after the caper and subsequently croaked.

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