2-year-old killed over spilled milk 1
Teacher stabs student 7 times for farting 2
Inmates hides dope in his rolls of fat 3

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Robert Melia is also charged with molesting three girls
​To paraphrase the late Hunter Thompson, "When the going gets weird, the weird go to New Jersey." That's the only way to explain the case of Moorestown policeman Robert Melia. Last year, he and his former girlfriend, Heather Lewis, were arrested for sexual assaulting three young girls over a five-year period.

While this may be depraved enough, detectives found what a true degenerate Melia is after they searched his home. On his computer they found a video of a girl being sexually assaulted. They also found video of Melia -- get this -- having sex with cows.

Since beastiality is not technically a crime in New Jersey, investigators charged Melia with animal cruelty. And this, believe it or not, is where our story gets even weirder. Under state law, a prosecutor must prove the animal was tormented to in cruelty cases. Which led to a rather unusual argument in the court room...

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Police say Heather Lewis also molested the three girls
​Burlington County assistant prosecutor Kevin Morgan was left to assert that forcing a cow to give you a blowjob -- especially a young, innocent calve, which is what Melia fancied -- fit the definition of cruelty. "I think any reasonable juror could infer that a man's penis in the mouth of a calf is torment," he told the judge. "It's a crime against nature."

But that's when Judge James J. Morley went a little weird on his own. He waxed philosophically about the mental powers of cows, noting that they couldn't actually talk -- a breakthrough observation -- and thus had no way of expressing whether they liked giving degenerate cops blowjobs or not. And given that the jury had no way of reading the five cows' minds -- yes, Melia is a serial cow rapist -- there's no way the prosecution could prove the cows were tormented.

Melia walked.

He's still facing charges for molesting the three girls, but he's likely beat his biggest legal hurdle. It's bad enough to be sent to the pen as a child rapist. But being a cow rapist would certainly preclude membership invites from the finest Aryan gangs. They do have their tandards.

Tags: New Jersey