99-year-old man beaten over parking spot
Friday, Oct. 16 2009 @ 9:16AM
It's Friday, which means you might be drunk soon, which means you might be passed out in an alley before you know it. If so, beware our Creeps of the Week.
Derek Finlinson. Occupation: Perv.
5. Derek Finlinson
In this week's edition of Really, Man, You Don't Have One Friend Who Can Show You Internet Porn?, we introduce to you 24-year-old Derek Finlinson, who's so hard up to see some skin he did the one thing even the horniest of men rarely do for sex:
He went shopping.
More specifically, he braved the the fitting room of a furniture-clothing outlet in a place called Orem, Utah, where a woman caught him taking pictures of her with his cell-phone camera. As customers called for security, Finlinson scrambled to delete the pictures from his camera, instead of insisting in his highest-pitch voice that he just loved that skirt on her, which probably would have been a safer play.
4. Steve Russo
Steve Russo is the coolest dad on the (cell) block.
There's always danger in trying to be the Cool Dad, especially when you're already the Creepy Stalker Dad.
Steve Russo, who stands accused of stalking his ex-wife, also on trial separately for throwing what 14-year-olds in Pennsylvania's Bethlehem Township probably think was the coolest party ever. The adults in town aren't so impressed, since according to prosecutors, the party involved rum, beer, stripper poles and a sex room -- all kid tested, all father approved. Adults were tipped off to the party via Facebook -- yet another reason, kids, to avoid friending your parents at all costs.
The sex room, by the way, was known among party-goers as "the cave," which is appropriate, since a cave is pretty much where Russo's going to spend the next five-plus years. Only there won't be any sex. Or maybe there will be. Either way, it's not good for him.
3. The Pregnant Hookers and the Men Who Loved Them
Alexandria Condo (left) and Jamie Fox: They've got baby weight, and they know how to use it.
Attributes you may want in your lady-for-hire: Good conversationalist, correct number of limbs, no obvious sores. Attribute you probably don't want: a belly full of future human.
But some horny gents in Kansas City got just that recently, according to police who raided a prostitution ring and discovered two pregnant women among the working girls. And these weren't women just-then knocked up in the line of duty: one was five months pregnant, the other was six, and both, it's believed by parenting experts, are quite likely to be colossally shitty moms.
2. John O'Connell
John O'Connell, you are getting veeeerrrryyy crreeeeepppyy.
New rule, everyone: When your doctor invites you to his satellite office, and his satellite office is located in something called the Relax Inn, it's time to change doctors.
A coworker of Dr. John O'Connell's at a Memphis-area hospital was talking about quitting smoking recently when O'Connell offered to help, police say. During her first appointment the doctor hypnotized the woman, and it seemed to work. So she came back for more. But this time, the doctor wanted to meet at his satellite office at the local Relax Inn. There, he lulled the woman into an ultra-relaxed state, coaxed her into removing her top, then fondled her breasts and tried, unsuccessfully, to remove her bra.
O'Connell faces sexual battery charges, and in some weird reverse hypnosis thing will probably be smoking three packs a day by Christmas and dead of lung cancer by 2021.
1. Melanie Chen
Melanie Chen and her not-at-all-cancer-having husband.
In one of the more disturbing trends in crime, more and more people are faking cancer to rip off their friends and communities -- the sort of thing that makes you think we might need to just shut this whole human-existence thing down. Maybe it's run its course, you know?
Melanie Chen represents the latest example of this uninventive scam. The 30-year-old Ohio woman convinced friends and family to donate $800,000 -- that's a lot of lying -- to pay for the medical bills of her dying husband. Of course, her husband wasn't dying at all, and the money was instead used to fund the couple's kitty-killing and terrorist-funding sprees, or whatever other evil shit they were into.
Chen was sentenced to eight years of prison. And let's be honest: Even she can't think that's enough time.
I have to agree with you about human existence running its course. If we can't figure out a way to rid our world of these sick fucks then we are inevitably doomed. Sending them to jail and supporting them with tax $$$ is not the answer and also the clowns that promote themselves to decisionmaker think it gives them free reign to do whatever they want because they are the authority. and then most of these sick fucks don't think they are doing anything wrong in the first place unless of course they get caught then all of a sudden they are all so sorry.So it is a quite a quandry we find ourselves in to protect ourselves and to find a balance for proper punishment.I would ask your audience what if anything we can do to make this world a better place?????
Posted 01/23/2010 at 03:59:13 AMbirth control would be a good option
Posted 02/05/2010 at 08:16:18 AMI think Eli Lilly & Forest Labs are looking for Melanie for a new CEO position now that she has experience convincing the public to pay to treat fictitious diseases.
Posted 02/05/2010 at 08:26:56 AM