Meet America's cheapest discount hooker
Monday, Oct. 5 2009 @ 8:02AM
Feeling bad about yourself? That's what our Top 5 Stupid Criminals of the Week are for.
Donald Goodrich is wondering how Apple's service is at the local jail.
5. Donald Goodrich: Further proving that we're the only ones left without iPhones, 38-year-old Donald Goodrich walked into a Cincinnati-area Apple store last week to complain about the state of his phone, which apparently was not properly displaying the Pop a Cap in That Ass app. So Goodrich, yielding a really fucked up set of priorities and a super scary mustache, told store workers he would "pop a 9mm" in his phone if they didn't fix it, police said. As if a threat of gun violence from the star of America's Next Top Skinhead wasn't enough to make the Apple nerds pee themselves, Goodrich then opened his jacket to reveal an actual gun.
Goodrich has been charged with aggravated menacing and a concealed weapon violation, and now needs a defense lawyer. But don't worry. There's an app for that (or at least there should be).
4. Devin Leebo Drca: The sad thing isn't that he committed the crime, it's how much thought he undoubtedly put into it.
Devin Leebo Drca: As dumb as his last name.
When police responded to a robbery at a convenience store in Layton, Utah, they found Devin Leebo Drca battered and bruised in his face, claiming to be the victim of a violent mugging. Drca, who worked at the store, told police that he was walking to the car with the store's deposits when, bending over to pick up a wallet from the ground, he was kicked in the face and knocked out. When he came to, he told police, the bank bag was gone.
But Drca couldn't even execute his poorly laid plan, giving conflicting statements to the officers who interviewed him. Detectives determined Drca injured himself to stage the robbery, using some sort of tool to beat himself in the face. He's been arrested on suspicion of investigation of a theft and lying to police, once again proving that when Step Two of your plan is "Call police," it's time to get a new plan.
3. John Prentis: Also a sign your plan might have some holes in it? When Step One is "Go to police station." 
John Prentis: We're thinking he lost his job as an informant.
That's what John Prentis did last week. An occasional informant for the department in Elmwood Place, Ohio, near Cincinnati, Prentis walked through an open door at the police station in the middle of the afternoon and then kicked through the door to the chief's office, making his way to the evidence room. After stealing $1,000, he left, but returned shortly after to wipe down his fingerprints and shut the office door.
All of which would have been a totally fab idea if the police department wasn't be equipped with security cameras, and if officers didn't know what Prentis looked like from his work as an informant. The chief has called Prentis one of "America's dumbest criminals" -- and when the cops are calling you that, you know it's time for a new career.
2. Stephanie Martin: When you write about stupid criminals, the most common you ask yourself is this: Why don't you guys practice at home first?
Police say Stephanie Martin was on drugs. You don't say?
You figure criminals have criminal friends, and that if a certain criminal had a job they were considering, they could at least run it by someone before running out and getting caught. But it's clear Stephanie Martin didn't practice her recent bank robbery attempt. If she had, she would have worked on her penmanship before the big day.
Martin walked into an Oregon bank recently and handed the teller a note. It read: "Need $300 or I'll kill you. I'm serious." Never mind the semantic issues -- the note doesn't actually instruct the teller to do anything -- the teller couldn't comply because she couldn't read Martin's handwriting. When she explained this to Martin, the aspiring robber was forced to retreat to a nearby table of bank slips and rewrite the note, giving the branch manager time to ring the silent alarm -- and giving tellers everywhere a new tool in the fight against bank robbery.
Martin was arrested at the scene. If convicted, we have a pretty good idea of how she'll spend her time in prison.
1. Ezrakiah John Rowlinso
For the third straight week, a social media web site has helped take down a criminal, once again proving that there will always be new ways for dumb-asses to unveil themselves.
From Tru TV's Dumb as a Blog
This week's imbecile of the Internets is Ezrakiah John Rowlinso, who was wanted in several Iowa cities for passing fraudulent checks. Police, of course, have better shit to do than chase down guys writing fraudulent checks. But police also don't take well to being taunted, which is where Rowlinso made his mistake, writing on his MySpace page: "Hey Neely. Go fuck yourself, you really think I'd let you apprehend me? Guess again officer dipshit."
He was arrested not long after, and while we'd planned to make him our second-dumbest criminal of the week behind the illiterate bank robber, just typing this has made us change our minds.
Congratulations, Ezrakiah. You're dumber than a lady who can't write.
With respect to Donald Goodrich and his iPhone, talk about shooting yourself in the foot, err, phone, or something like that.
Posted 10/05/2009 at 02:34:33 PMReminds me of years ago when you'd hear of frustrated guys using gun violence on their disobedient computers. By seeking help, this guy at least gave his phone a chance.