5. Alex Martin
OK, kids, new rule, courtesy of a really dumb guy in Florida: When trying to pawn stuff you stole from a friend, go at least two counties over.
When Alex Martin walked into a Fort Myers pawn shop recently, he was shocked, and probably pretty bummed, to be greeted by his friend Keith Miller. It didn’t take long for Miller to notice his fishing rods — the ones that had recently gone missing from his garage — in Martin’s very red hands. “I said, hey, Alex how you doing?” Miller told a Florida TV station. “He looked at me like a deer in the headlights.”
After trying unsuccessfully to convince a chuckling store audience that he’d actually borrowed the rods from Miller, Martin ran for it. But, as you may have guessed, he wasn’t smart enough to elude police for long. He was arrested and charged with grand theft. Criminal justice experts believe Martin has no idea what any of these words mean.
We know it’s complicated, folks, but try to stay with us: Just because the occasional naked crackhead on Cops doesn’t get arrested, that doesn’t mean that being naked somehow renders you above the law.
That, apparently, was the impression Wisconsin mother Julie Laack was under. Police in Sheboygan believed Laack stole a beef jerky and a lighter from a local liquor store — that’s quite the afternoon she had planned — so they showed up at her house. She didn’t answer, but instead starting yelling at three children inside. When police entered, Laack — for reasons that will forever remain unclear — stripped naked, and attempted to convince the cops that her nakedness meant they couldn’t arrest her. Unfamiliar with the Get Out of Jail Naked Card, the cops arrested her on a variety of charges — including resisting arrest, which probably had something to do with her spitting in the mouth of one officer, kicking another in nuts, and then — to finish off the White Trash Triumvirate — spreading her bare ass cheeks on the squad-car window.
Laack, you might be surprised to learn, if you happen to be a comatose Mennonite, was hammered at the time.
3. German Guys
Although it may sometimes feel like it, this great nation of ours does not have a monopoly on criminal ignorance.
Two men in Germany recently needed directions to the Czech Republic, so they asked — who else? — a federal police officer. The cop, being inquisitive as cops often are, peered into the men’s car and noticed what he appeared to be stolen merchandise. The men were arrested, and later admitted to ripping off a construction site and three car dealerships, proving once and for all that men should never, ever stop for directions.
2. Michigan School Boys
Of all the days to actually attend class, a group of young Michigan shitheads had to choose this one.
A Grand Rapids man recently walked out of his house to find an empty space where his car — which he’d started in an attempt to thaw off a winter freeze — was gone. But police found the car just a few blocks away, parked in the last place any seasoned thug would park: in front of a high school. The cops waited near the car as school let out, probably struggling with the idea that even teenage criminals could be so colossally brain-dead. Alas, they were, and police pounced as three boys jumped into the car after the final bell.
The boys are expected to serve a few months in prison before being released and spending the next several years attending the occasional community-college class, dating trashy high-school girls, and crashing lots of parties they’re way too old to be crashing.
1. Judy Kirchoff and Crystal Weissenfels
There are plenty of potheads in the sea, the old saying goes, and when you’re fishing for potheads in Spokane, Washington, the sea is always plenty stocked. Which makes the drug-deal bungling of Judy Kirchoff and Crystal Weissenfels all the more reprehensible.
Kirchoff, 18, and Weissenfels, 29, were looking to unload some weed recently, so they decided to approach a uniformed transit authority officer. The girls weren’t about to sell their stash to any officer, so they asked the cop if he had the authority to arrest. When he told them — we picture him being sad to admit this — that his powers were limited, they went ahead and asked him if he wanted to buy some weed.
While many transit officers may have seized the opportunity to smoke away their shitty work privileges and try to weasel his way into a threesome, this fellow told the woman he would need to go get cash, then called the real cops to set up a sting. The women were busted and booked in to Spokane County Jail, where perhaps they might pick up some pointers and one day emerge with the powerful knowledge that selling weed directly to cops is not a very good idea.