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The Bad Breath Bandit: Michigan Bank Robber Fails to Take Proper Steps to Get Cool Name
Monday, December 7, 2009 at 12:02 pm
In this installment of the Beginner's Guide to Crime, we turn to the very pressing subject of bandit names. 
The Bad Breath Bandit, caught on tape stinking up a Michigan bank
As you know, the media and the FBI have a tendency to provide catchy monikers to those involved in the serial bank robbery trade. So the goal of any decent highwayman is to project a signature look or behavior that results in a cool name...
If you were to, say, wear 16th century leggings and a hat with a plume, then blow kisses before taking leave of your victims, you're sure to get a fetching name like "The Lothario Bandit." You'll also be invited backstage at the Shakespeare festival. 
This is a much cooler look -- and far more original. When's the last time you saw a bank robbed with a really skinny sword?
But if your signature vibe is utter disregard for personal hygiene, don't blame us when your bandit name comes back wanting.
So it is for the guy who's robbed the same Charter One Bank in Ferndale, Michigan twice in the last two months. He hit it October 2, and again on December 2.
He's not a very good bank robber. His latest caper only netted him $1,000, which is like knocking off a dry cleaner the day before Easter. We can do better, people!
But what sets him apart are his pungent oral emissions. It seems he stinks so bad detectives have dubbed him "The Bad Breath Bandit."
According to a police statement, he's described as black, short and thin, with "very crooked yellow teeth and bad breath. The whites of his eyes are yellow. He looks and smells dirty. He was wearing a black hooded Carhardt type of jacket."
Now we ask you, Mr. Ferndale, Michigan robber: Would it have been so hard to get some leggings and a Robin Hood hat at a costume store, if only to avoid all this embarrassing publicity?
Let's think out there, robbers!
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