Luke Sommer, the world's most violent pacifist, orders hit from prison

​Welcome to our Top 5 Douchebags of the Week, what garden-variety morons aspire to be. This week's installment is topped out by Luke Sommer, the anti-war activist with a seriously violent streak, who tried to put a hit on a federal prosecutor -- by hiring the FBI...

5) Mike Smith

​Science has yet to prove the link between bad basketball and depravity, but Mike Smith is logging extra hours to close the gap.

No stranger to hard time, the NBA announcer has spent the last 11 years calling games for the woeful Los Angeles Clippers. Now it appears he was calling his own game on the side: Smith, 44, is charged with duping an elderly friend into ponying up his $735,000 home as part of a real-estate investment.

Despite subtle clues that this might be a bad idea -- the crumbling economy, a devastated housing market, Smith's car-salesman grin -- the friend reluctantly bought into the plan. Now the deal is dead, the money is gone, and the excuses are piling up: Smith's lawyer says it wasn't a crime -- just a bad business deal that his client intends to make good.

A conviction could land Smith in jail for up to five years, while acquittal could mean a life sentence with the Clippers.

4) Duane Anderson and Jamie Eastman

Jamie Eastman

​No self-respecting perv wants to end up alone for the holidays, so Duane Anderson began his Christmas shopping early.

The 33-year-old Pennsylvania man, along with fellow cretin Jamie Eastman, 19, had been courting a 13-year-old girl through internet chats since September. By December, they stoked the relationship with gestures no young girl could resist: gifts of porn and requests for sex with creepy-looking strangers. So certain of his charms was Anderson that he was undeterred when his webcam transmissions to the girl weren't reciprocated.

Finally, a tryst was arranged in late December. But when the duo arrived, they found that their nubile companion more closely resembled a swarm of state police, none of whom appeared to be interested in sex.

Now Anderson and Eastman face charges for Unlawful Contact With a Minor and Failure to Observe Very Obvious Warnings That Your Plan's Gonna Blow Up.

3) Ashley Dawson

​If you've lined up a date with Ashley Dawson, best to take your shower beforehand.

That's the lesson learned by Andrew Scarbrough, a Washington state man who struck up an internet romance with Dawson, 19, through MySpace. Things quickly grew intimate on their first date back at his place -- which should have been his first clue that something was amiss -- so when Dawson instructed him to wait for her in the shower, Scarbrough was suitably lathered.

In keeping with Newton's third law of male arousal, Scarbrough's brain had ceased operations for a full minute after Dawson's request; by the time he came around, she had made off with his wallet, computer, cell phone, car, and sense of self-worth.

The vehicle was found by police and returned, only to be stolen again by Dawson -- and recovered once more -- a month later. Dawson now faces multiple counts of theft, while Scarbrough faces a deficiency of common sense.

2) Mansor Mohammad Asad

​We've all been put off by that irksome flight attendant who's too busy to tend to our needs. Perhaps Mansor Mohammad Asad had simply reached his breaking point.

On a recent flight from Miami to Detroit, the 43-year-old Ohio man silenced the cabin by exclaiming "I want to kill all the Jews!" -- a Palestinian phrase loosely translated as "May I trouble you for a beverage?"

In response, the plane's flight crew opted not to round up all the Jews onboard, but to summon the plane back to the terminal, where investigators courteously shook his ass down.

"I'm not afraid of you cops," Asad said. "I've gotten in fights with cops . . . and broke their arms in three places." He later chanted something in a foreign language, charged at officers, and shouted threats, for which he was charged with disorderly conduct and treated to a pair of complimentary taserings.

1) Luke Sommer

​Say what you will about Luke Sommer's politics, but don't question his fresh approach to pacifism.

Disgruntled by U.S. involvement in the Iraq war, the former army ranger responded in a way most fed-up peaceniks only dream of: by knocking over a Washington bank with an AK-47.

For his heroic display, Sommer, 22, was awarded 24 years in the federal slam. This, observers say, is where he elevated his game beyond your average Gandhi or Christ. During his first month in lockup, Sommer shivved a co-defendant from the robbery and ordered a hit -- through an undercover FBI agent, no less -- on the federal prosecutor who took them down.

Sommer now faces 20 more years on top of his original sentence, allowing plenty of time to shore up his plan to eradicate hunger by burning down all the world's crops.