Top 5 Douchebags: God Orders James Fall to Marry, Molest Child Niece

​Today in Douchebags of the Week we honor James Fall, the Minnesota man who married and molested his little niece because the Lord wanted it that way. But before we get to Fall's achievements, let's meet the rest of our godless gallery...

5) Judge Darrell Russell

​Call him a sucker for a happy ending, but don't call Darrell Russell for your next assault case.

The Maryland judge is accused of marrying a woman to the man who allegedly beat her on the same day the man was due to be tried for the crime.

Back in November, the fiancee called cops claiming that she had been beaten by Frederick Wood, now 29. Responding officers reported that the woman had a bloody nose, swollen face, and other visible evidence of being hit, kicked, and dragged by her fiance.

But as Wood's case was called before the court in early March, his lawyer proposed a delay that would allow the defendant and his fiancee to marry. Doing so would empower the wife to invoke her right not to testify against her husband.

"Well, why don't I just marry them today in court?" Judge Russell responded, according to a transcript obtained by WBAL-TV.

To tie the knot, Wood and his fiancee were required to obtain a marriage license at a court in a different city.

Though a 48-hour period is required between the granting of a license and the wedding, a second judge waived the requirement, claiming it was routine to do so. Russell promised to marry them that day once they ran their prenuptial gauntlet.

Wood and his fiancee returned to Russell with paperwork in hand and were married that afternoon in his chambers. Twenty minutes later, the criminal case against Wood was reconvened, and the brand-new Mrs. Wood opted not to testify against him.

Russell promptly rendered this ever so classy verdict:

"Mr. Wood, I found you not guilty, so I can't sentence you as a defendant in any crimes. But earlier today, I sentenced you to life married to her."

According to WBAL, Russell never asked the fiancee whether she actually wanted to marry the guy who beat her ass.

Russell has been reassigned to work in his chambers, where he has only moderate power to shatter the lives of those he encounters.

4) Tanesha Carter

​It's hard to know when kids are old enough to handle sexual themes, yet not so hard to know that two is not the correct answer.

According to sheriff's investigators in Augusta, Georgia, Tanesha Carter and her 16-year-old nephew teamed up to help a two-year-old boy have sex with a stuffed animal. Carter also is accused of providing off-color commentary while the animal appeared to perform a blowjob on the toddler.

Not content to let the moment pass into the realm of scarring memory, Carter and the boy filmed the entire episode, according to investigators. Their actions were discovered when school officials confiscated the 16-year-old's cell phone, which also reveals evidence that the toddler screened a porno along with the teen.

Carter is charged with sexual exploitation of a minor, a felony that could draw up to 20 years in prison. The teen was also jailed under similar charges that could net him five years of his own.

3) Ronald Frank

​Ronald Frank may be unfit for civil service, but he could still make a passable priest.

The former councilman and fire chief of West Shore, Pennsylvania, was found guilty March 12 of molesting four boys who aspired to be junior firefighters. The boys were all 13 to 15 years old.

According to prosecutors, Frank met each of the boys when he was a crossing guard at Lemoyne Middle School. Between 2000 and 2002 and again in 2007, Frank had sex with the boys in his home, his car, and at his office. According to one boy, they were paid 20 bucks for each session.

Frank was arrested in July 2009. He was convicted for involuntary deviate sexual intercourse, indecent assault, and corruption of minors.

Frank is appealing his conviction on the grounds that the judge wrongfully shared confessions to police with prosecutors. If a state court disallows the confessions, the guilty verdicts would be washed away and Frank could be retried.

Douchebag bylaws, however, preclude him from earning future honors for the same crimes.

2) Richard Calderon

​Richard Calderon had no previous criminal record, but he's broken into the books in a big way: The 24-year-old Houston man is charged with gunning down the 13-year-old daughter of a cop -- and claiming it was all in self-defense.

The lunacy unfolded as young Alexis Wiley and her mother, Sonya Randle, were leaving a high school basketball game earlier this month.

According to police, their Nissan Altima was struck by the Cadillac driven by Calderon, who fled the scene. Randle -- a police officer at Texas Southern University -- pursued Calderon to write down his license plate number.

After she caught up to him, Calderon turned around and started heading the other way. He got behind Randle's car and shot his 9 mm handgun through the windshield, striking Wiley in the head.

The girl was pronounced dead the following morning.

Based on a description from Randle, police tracked down Calderon at his home, where they found his Caddy covered with a tarp. He quickly admitted to officers that he had done "a terrible thing."

Calderon, who is licensed to carry a concealed handgun, turned over a 9 mm weapon to investigators.

He faces charges of murder and shooting at a vehicle. He told police he saw someone in the front passenger seat lean out the car's window and brandish something shiny, which prompted him to fire his gun.

No one was seated in the front passenger seat, however, and one witness told police that nobody leaned out a window.

1) James Fall

​This special bonus installment of What Wouldn't Jesus Do? leads us to the doorstep of James Fall, who had sex for almost a decade with his adolescent niece because scripture advised him to.

The girl, now 19, was in the care of Fall and his wife Rosemary because her father had died and her mother was deemed unfit to raise her.

But Fall, it turned out, was not a better option. In a story broken by the Minneapolis Star Tribune, the girl claims that Fall began molesting her at age 10 on a family trip to Yellowstone Park. At the time Fall, of Mound, Minnesota, told the girl that it was God's plan for her to be his wife.

He is accused of treating the girl as his second wife, alternating sleeping arrangements with her and Rosemary each day. By the time the girl was 12 -- and deemed "big enough" to handle Fall -- they had sex routinely, according to court documents.

The alleged abuse was uncovered when the girl shared her story in January. Cops cemented their case with a phone call between the girl and Fall in which he admitted to having sex and claimed that it was God's bidding.

Investigators say that Fall, 58, has calmly admitted to treating the girl as his wife and having sex with her. Fall's attorney plans to ask for an assessment of his client's competence to stand trial.

Fall has racked up eight felony counts of criminal sexual conduct so far. The girl also accused him of showing her porno movies featuring old men having sex with young girls -- allegations that could lead to further charges.

His wife Rosemary, meanwhile, faces felony and misdemeanor charges for neglect of a child. Authorities believe she knew all about Fall's abuse but didn't try to stop it. Her attorney claims she too has been a constant victim over the years.

Police records show that cops had responded to calls of abuse at the house in the past, but that the girl and Rosemary both denied the allegations at the time.

Craving more Douchebags? Read last Monday's edition: Ashley Cox Charged With Secret Birth, Murder of Her Baby During Prison Visit.