As you may have gathered from his photo, 40-year-old Russell Willis Shepherd Jr. doesn’t have a lot of luck with the ladies. It could be the hair. So to nourish his sexual longing, he tends to troll at the bottom of the food chain…
The other day he brought a homeless woman back to his lair in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. They proceeded to engage in a festive and rousing performance of the bone dance. But according to his 58-year-old roommate, those soaring sounds of romance were performed at a much too high decibel.
We’re not sure exactly what they were screaming, but we’re guessing it went something like this:
Homeless woman: “Oh valiant steed, ride me like Black Beauty! Can I have the rest of that sandwich?”
Shepherd: “Yes, oh yes my lioness of unparalled feminocity! But would you mind speaking with your mouth closed? Your breath smells like so many fish from the koi pond at the mall.”
Yet the roommate wasn’t pleased by these delicate songs of romance. So he asked Shepherd and his lovely damsel to keep it down.
This didn’t please Shepherd, since he’d last tasted womanly flesh in 1986 in a rather embarrassing moment with his sister-in-law, who ended up beating him with a manual transmission.
So he decided to stab the roommate in the hand.
Shepherd was later charged assault and battery. Police reportedly had to hose him down in haz-mat suits before booking him into jail.
See our last episode of stupid criminals: Man Arrested for Shoving Dog Poop in Cop’s Face.