Probation officer gives office BJ to boot-camp teen
Cedric R. Newton, Moron of the Day: Shoots Up House Trying to Get Rid of Bat
Thursday, September 2, 2010 at 8:00 am
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Because you're going to spend the next hour trying to chase down a goddamned bat.
As experienced bat assassins know, the best way to kill them is with a tennis racket, since their radar doesn't seem to pick them up. Brooms are also useful, as are chucking your kids' stuffed animals at them if you happen to have a rifle of an arm.
But it is never recommended to use a .38 revolver in their extermination. Those of you with a modest knowledge of science know that bats don't have much meat on them, which means the bullets will likely travel through them and wreck the living shit out of your house. This will get your wife more pissed at you than she was about the bat.
But Cedric R. Newton, a 52-year-old man from Maplewood, Minnesota, failed to understand these basic rules on firearms and marital harmony. A bat snuck into his house and, as he tells it, attacked his wife.
So Cedric pulled out his trusty .38 and started blasting away. When the dust settled, he'd blasted three bullet holes in the townhouse next door, in addition to shooting up a closet door and a stove. The bat, incidentally was also injured in the shootout, and the stove is suffering from lasting emotional scars.
Yet Cedric was unaware that it's somewhat illegal to start blasting away at flying mice in a heavily populated suburb. He's been charged with reckless discharge of a firearm, which is a felony. (Special thanks to St. Paul Bureau Chief Lorie for the tip.)
See our last episode of Morons of the Day: Timothy Hammerstone Caught Swapping Child Porn for Xbox Live Points.
Tags: Minnesota, Moron of the Day
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