Martin Erzinger, Morgan Stanley Douchebag, Won’t Be Charged for Felony Hit-and-Run to Save His Job



​Here’s a case out of Colorado that will surely confirm your suspicions that American justice isn’t blind; it’s purchased. On July 3, Dr. Steven Milo was biking along a highway near Eagle, Colorado. That’s when he was hit from behind by a black Mercedes Benz…

He was hurled into a ditch, where he suffered massive injuries. But the Mercedes bolted from the scene.

Now it just so happens that the driver was Martin Erzinger, a bigshot at Morgan Stanley’s Denver office who oversees a rich folks’ investment fund worth a whopping $1 billion. He drove to the town of Avon, where he never bothered to call the cops. Instead, he called Mercedes roadside assistance asking for a tow.

Avon police arrived as Erzinger was putting a busted side mirror in the trunk. Though his car was trashed enough that he thought it needed towing, he nonetheless claimed he didn’t know he’d hit anyone. As a stock broker, he likely assumed he could just run a doctor over and the federal government would subsequently provide bailout funds.

He was originally charged with a felony for causing serious bodily
injury. After all, if another motorist hadn’t stopped to help, Erzinger may well have left the doctor for dead.

Milo suffered bleeding on the brain, spinal cord injuries, and damage to his knee. He’s now stuck with wicked headaches and faces of lifetime of back surgeries. It’s doubtful he’ll ever be the same.

But instead of lighting Erzinger up as the callous piece of shit he is, District Attorney Mark Hurlbert has agreed to plea it down to a misdemeanor case. As a financial adviser, Erzinger would have to inform investors of his felony conviction within 30 days, perhaps causing jeopardy to his job, says Hurlbert.

convictions have some pretty serious job implications for someone in
Mr. Erzinger’s profession, and that entered into it,” the DA confessed to Vail Daily.
“When you’re talking about restitution, you don’t want to take away his
ability to pay.”

Be assured that Hulbert wouldn’t extend the same courtesy to a guy who worked at a lumber yard. (Special thanks to readers Moe and Cristie for the tip.)

See our last tale from the Douchebags file:
Lindsey Fiddler Washes Infant, Doesn’t Use the Gentle Cycle.