Neil Lansing was sentenced to do a little time in the Sarasota County, Florida jail on a drug charge. But if he had to be locked up, he was going to make sure he had fun. So he decided to pack his rectal cavity with all the things an inmate needs for a festive bit in the slam…
During a routine search, deputies noticed a condom sticking out of the 34-year-old moron’s buttocks. So they decided to unpack his treasure chest to see what he was carrying. Let’s just say this wasn’t a brief unloading process.
When they were done, they’d found 17 Oxycodone tabs, a cigarette, 6 matches, a flint, a syringe, a container of lip balm, a condom, a drug store receipt and a coupon, which was presumably good for a 10 percent discount on his next blow job from a fellow inmate who calls himself Lucille.
If you’re scoring at home, that amounts to 30 items hauled in one ass. Though deputies don’t exactly keep stats on such things, it’s presumed to be a Florida record.
Lansing is now facing new charges of drug and tobacco possession inside the jail. His ass, meanwhile, will soon be registered with the Guinness Book of Records. (Special thanks to Pennsylvania Bureau Chief Captain America for the tip.)
See our last episode from the Moron of the Day file: Daniel Nieto, Very Hammered Driver, Breaches Naval Base After Mistaking it for a Tollway.