It probably goes without saying that Eric Whitehead was a troubled youth. Whitehead had run away to stay with his estranged stepfather. After arguing with his stepsis over the dishes, he dreamt about arguing with her, and “came to his senses” after shooting her in the head 10 times with a .22 rifle in Douchebags of the Week…
5. Wanking Window Washer
You simply do not want to know where that wash rag’s been. The 48-year old Freeport, Florida (where else?) entered the office to clean the glass. When one of the employees wondered what the hell was taking so long, she found out. She opened the office door to discover the man playing some five-on-one with the purple-headed warrior.
Not only that, but he was videotaping himself for later play-by-play analysis. (You don’t want to be doing color on that broadcast!) “I’m almost done,” he told her. We don’t think she told him to take his time. When questioned by the cops, he told them, “She made me do it. I’m no angel.” He’s not much of a janitor either. Idle hands love the devil’s plaything.
4. Anita Lewis
The police don’t relish being drawn into domestic disputes, so you can imagine their thoughts when Anita Lewis called. For the third time. The first time she called it was because her husband was arguing with her, and wasn’t willing to part the jello-y cellulite folds to properly get his nose dirty. The second time she complained he was calling her names. And the third time she said he just wouldn’t shut up. Teapot meet kettle.
After this last call dispatch finally sent an officer to her Vero Beach, Florida (naturally…) home. The man in questions was sitting at a table drinking a beer, listening to music, and claimed to not know why the cops were here. (Just another day in hell…) The 53-year old Lewis attempt to explain that the man’s chatter “annoyed her.” When the cop told her this wasn’t sufficient reason to call 911, the woman ignored him and “only yelled at the male and complained that he was bothering her.”
Believe it or not, she called a fourth time, and hung up. Then called back immediately and complained again about the man calling her names. We feel it’s not inflammatory if it’s demonstratively evident [sung to the “Mr. Ed” theme]: “A bitch is a bitch, of course, of course, and you’ll never uncover the bitch’s source, your musn’t use force, your best recourse is to file divorce… or slowly numb it out with whiskey and cheap beer.” The choice is yours.
3. Ashley Fowler
It’s not enough to try and avoid crazy girlfriends — you’ve got to worry about their friends as well. Chesapeake, Virginia farmer Zach Sawyer woke up last week to find one of his pig’s decapitated heads on his porch, and another pig in the pen, stabbed and injured enough that it had to be put down. The culprit? According to police, it’s a friend of the girl Sawyer recently dumped, playing a cross between Megan Fox’s nutty demon bitch in Jennifer’s Body and Leighton Meester’s creepy obsessive in The Roommate.
Are “Crazy Eyes” contagious?
It was actually Sawyer’s mother who first encountered the pig’s head, heading out on their way to work. (“No lunch today.”) Twenty-one year old Ashley Fowler’s charged with two felony counts of killing/maiming livestock, one count of misdemeanor vandalism (police say she also slashed Sawyer’s tires). Several people are quoted as saying they can’t believe she’s done it. Maybe she was possessed – at the very least she was in possession, charged with one count of possession of prescription pills. (It certainly explains a lot.)
2. Demarco Whitley and Pierre Washington-Steel
Karma generally operates like road construction — it eventually gets done, but at its own maddening pace. So it’s strangely satisfying when you hear about Demarco Whitley and Pierre Washington-Steel who rape a girl behind a church, only to to hit a utility pole head-on later that night. I’m not necessarily applauding the fact that 17-year old Washington-Steel ultimately died from injuries suffered in the accident, but it makes you wonder if the teen rapists’ blasphemous choice of locale played a part in their undoing. Do NOT pass go, do not collect any salvation!
The Glenbard West High School teens raped the 15-year old in their car last January in a church parking lot. They tossed a condom (only one suited up?) and articles of clothing into the church parking lot (“No you don’t get your bra and panties back!”) before dropping her off at a friend’s house like a borrowed miter-saw. DNA from those items was used to identify Whitley as a suspect.
Less than an hour later the two suburban Illinois football players were involved in an accident while trying to pass in the “no-pass” lane at a high-rate of speed. Washington-Steel swerved to miss a head-on collision and lost control of the vehicle. (According to toxicology, no drugs or alcohol involved.)
More than a year later, Whitley’s finally been charged. Rolling Meadow police say they were letting him recover from his injuries (lame, though it does mean less sympathy) and to tighten the screws on the case. Whitley was charged with criminal sexual assault. God’s already done half their job, let’s hope they get this part right.
1. Eric Whitehead
Some kids just ain’t right, and you know at some point something’s going to get them. Maybe it’ll be brain damage from the stunt they saw on Jackass, turning their mom’s basement into a meth lab, or waking up in the middle of the night and shooting their stepsister 10 times in the head with a .22 rifle.
Fifteen-year old Eric Whitehead of Hephzibah, Georgia (near Augusta, GA) says he’d argued with his stepsister about the dishes before they went to bed, then dreamt about arguing with her. He only really came to his senses holding the rifle with her blood all over him. Sleep-killing, or Narcolepticide, is a less popular defense than “I just drank Four Lokos” or “it’s the voices in my head’s fault,” though he gets points for creativity.
Whitehead had a history of trouble with authority, and running away from home. In fact, he had run away from his mother and was staying with the stepfather who had long raised him, but was now estranged from her. His 22-year old stepsister Patricia Troglen was asleep on the couch when Whitehead shot her with his stepfather’s rifle. (So his step-dad left it fully loaded, or the kid sleep-loaded it as well?)
Two mental health professsionals declared Whitehead competent for
court and he was tried as an adult for the August 2009 murder. Last week he was found guilty and sentenced to life in prison. He’s not eligible for parole for 30 years.
This is what we call an excellent example of crime prevention or addition through subtraction. Even at 14 (his age at the time of the crime) there should be an understanding — even if only subconscious — that certain crimes are heinous enough there’s no sympathy or second chances, just a lifetime of toilet bowl sangria.
Read last Monday’s Douchebags of the Week: Claude Foulk Molests 11, Caught & Convicted For 12th.