At suppertime on Sunday, the Scranton, Pennsylvania police came across a one-car accident. It seems a coffee cup and rolled beneath the feet of 27-year-old Karin Mackaliunas, causing her to hit a guardrail. So she phoned a friend to give her a ride home…
She was just about ready to leave when she got a call on her cell phone. It seemed someone had stolen linens from a hotel room in nearby Dunmore. A hotel clerk had given the cops the phone number of the guest staying in that room. And that just happened to be the lovely and oh-so-talented Lady Mackaliunas.
This too wouldn’t have been much of a problem — except the cop responding to the accident recognized the voice on the other end of the phone. And Dunmore police now wanted Scranton PD to arrest Mackaliunas for the linen caper.
As Scranton PD searched her before throwing her in the back of a squad, they found three packets of heroin in her jacket pocket. Ooops! Mackaliunas’ brief introduction with a guard rail had suddenly turned into a linen and drug pinch.
Yet her problems would only get worse. On the way to jail, Mackaliunas kept shifting in the backseat, as if trying to get her hands down the front of her pants. We imagine this isn’t easy, seeing how she was handcuffed. But her constant squirming drew even more police suspicion.
She was searched again at the jail. Yet our hero wouldn’t stop squirming, and the object of her discomfort seemed to be coming from the unspoken regions of her ladylike womanhood. But when a cop went to recuff her, Mackaliunas put up a fight. So police took her to a hospital to get a more thorough search done.
And that’s where doctors discovered that she’d turned her vagina into a storage locker capable of holding half the U.S. pharmaceutical industry and the Island of Cyprus.
When it was all said and done, doctors removed 54 bags of heroin, 31 empty bags used to package heroin, 8.5 Xanax pills and $51.22 from her vaginal container. Why she needed to conceal 22 cents in coins, we’re not sure. But never underestimate the value of a good change compartment.
She’s now charged with intent to deliver a controlled
substance, possession of drug paraphernalia, possession
of a controlled substance, plus possession of vaginal elasticity that may not even be human. (Special thanks to readers Cristie, Alecto and Leah for the tips.)
See our last story about inventive vaginal deployment: Amanda Colmenero Discovers the Downside of Using Her Vagina as a Meth Storage Facility.