In today’s tragedy from the Sphincter People File, we present you with the Duncan, South Carolina PD for not only having the tightest asses west of a Taliban village, but for its creative ways of wasting valuable police resources. They think that graduations should be dour affairs…
So do the tight-asses who run the Spartanburg school district. They seem to think of it as their last chance to crush any kind of effusiveness or fun before their charges leave for the greater, freer world.
So in Duncan, it’s against the law to cheer for your kid during the graduation ceremonies. In the past, parents and relatives who cheered were escorted by cops from the stadiums.
But Duncan residents went civil disobedience in response, standing to cheer and then simply leaving the stadium on their own. The tight-asses were not happy about this end-around their tight-assedness.
Three years ago, both police and school officials decided to go total hard-ass. They began stationing cops throughout the audience. Anyone witnessed in acts of illegal celebration was issued a ticket for disorderly conduct, which entails a $262 fine.
This year, the cops busted 13 parents for nefarious cheering. Then they all went back to the chief’s home to watch The Sound of Music, during which they rooted loudly for the Nazis.
See our last adventure from The Sphincter People file: James Tate Banned From Prom Over Romantic Request for Date.