Father Andres Garcia Torres Fired for Being Gay, Wants Pope to Measure His Anus



​It seems that by all counts, Father Andres Garcia Torres was a beloved priest at Our Lady of Fatima Fuenlabrada in Spain. But his problems began when pictures started circulating showing him shirtless with his arm around a young Cuban seminarian…

After this photo began circulating, Father Andres was removed from his parish and ordered to undergo counseling to make him ungay.

​It’s hard to tell what the photos are really about. They could have been take on a hot day. They could have been taken while the pair were swimming. And they could have been taken because, well, the two men are lovers. Who really knows?

But this being the Catholic church, instant suspicion turned to the last option. While the church never proved very quick on the draw when it came to ridding itself of pedophiles, it seems the possibility of employing a gay priest is a sin so grave it requires much swifter action. 

So Torres’ bishop forced him to resign from his parish and take counseling to make him ungay, since that always works.

But Torres says he isn’t gay and wasn’t having a relationship. And to prove it, he wants church heirarchy to inspect his anus.

“Let them measure my anus and see if it is dilated,” he announced.

We’re not sure if anus size is an accurate measurement of gayness. We’re also not sure that God wants a middle-age priest going around demanding attention to his butt. We Catholics are supposed to be modest about such matters, after all.

But for a church that brought you the largest organized pedophile ring the world has ever known, there’s no such thing as getting too weird.

See our last story from the Religion file: Rabbi David Wax Kidnaps Man, Threatens to Kill Him Unless He Grants Wife a Divorce.