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Defending Honor of Topless Gardener 2
Drug Ripoff Plan Leads to Murder 3

Candace Kiley Beats 12-Year-Old Girl for Eying Her Boyfriend

By Pete Kotz in Douchebags, assault
Wednesday, August 10, 2011 at 1:16 pm
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24-year-old Candace Kiley and her boyfriend, 30, had arrived at a relative's home in North Branford, Connecticut for a family birthday party. We presume it was a festive time. But the event would soon be marred by Kiley's raving jealousy...

It seems her boyfriend had spilled his drink on the kitchen floor, so he bent down to clean it up. At about the same time, a 12-year-old girl -- who had been invited to the party by Kiley's younger sister -- arrived in the kitchen to retrieve some ice.

The girl was waiting patiently for Kiley's boyfriend to finish cleaning before she grabbed her ice. But that's when Kiley entered the room.

Something about the girl told Kiley that the wee lass was up to no good. And she was eying her boyfriend.

Of course, she was probably doing no such thing. And even if she was, a 12-year-old girl eying a 30-year-old man can only be described as cute. It's commanded in the Bible.

But Kiley, not being the most secure woman, thought it was a damned outrage! So she grabbed the girl by the hair and slammed her head to the floor. That's when the panicked girl began to also have an asthma attack.

Kiley fled before police could arrive. She was arrested yesterday, charged with assault, disorderly conduct, risk of injury to a minor and breaking the all-time record for jealousy -- previously set in 1437 by a Belgian man who believed a baby from a nearby leper colony was putting the moves on his wife.

The girl she assaulted his fine. (Special thanks to Vince the Polack for the tip.)

See our last story from the Douchebags file: Kris Jordan, Ohio GOP State Senator, Gets Wasted Then Assaults His Wife.

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