See this guy to your left? He’s 23-year-old Thomas Huser of Bexar County, Texas. He recently walked into an unnamed bank claiming to be a regional vice president of Mrs. Baird’s Bread. He also claimed his annual salary was $183,000…
That’s when the bank decided to live up to the industry’s steadfast motto: “Giving Capitalism a Bad Name Since 700 B.C.”
I didn’t seem unusual to loan officers that a bread company would make a 23-year-old punk a regional vice president and give him a handsome pile of loot. No, this is an industry that hands out loans like candy, only to see them go bad, get bailed out by the feds, then go back to handing out loans like candy.
Life is beautiful when someone else always has to pick up the pieces.
Huser presented an IRS 1040A income tax form showing he had an income of $183,000. So the bank gave him two loans totaling $48,000. Part of that would go to Huser’s purchase of a $35,000 BMW.
The morons at the bank didn’t think anything was wrong until someone noticed a discrepancy in the paperwork. It turns out that the fabled 1040A income tax form is only used by people making less than $100,000.
Which could only mean one thing: Huser wasn’t really a 23-year-old bread company executive! Holy shit! Who wouldda thought?!
Huser was charged with false statement to obtain property or credit. Bank officials were accused of being stupendously stupid, but the charges were dropped when officers discovered that wasn’t actually a crime.
And off in the distance, a young man mangled by inbreeding stuck up the first chord of “Dueling Banjos.”
See our last story from the Gooberville file: Megan Long, 19 & Pregnant, Dies After Storing Mom’s Meth in Her Vagina.