We’re sure about this: Jesus does not want you to beat your wife or chop off people’s hands
Pastor Curtis Watts is man of God by the loosest definition. He’s a founder of the Shining Light Baptist Church in Clay County, Alabama. If you believe the missus, he’s also a wife beater — and an ax-wielding madman.
Our story begins a week ago, when Mrs. Watts called 911 to say the Good Reverend had assaulted her. When cops arrived he was waiting in the kitchen with a rifle. Apparently he’d missed Jesus’ many teachings on peace, so police had to taser his ass multiple times to help him understand this valuable piece of scripture.
The missus subsequently took out a protection order. When police tried to serve it, Watts swung at them with an ax. Sergeant Jason Freeman was trying to taser him when Watts took a swing, chopping off Freeman’s hand. That’s when other deputies opened fire, sending Watts to meet his maker — if St. Peter lets him in, which isn’t attracting heavy betting in Vegas at this point. Surgeons were able to reattach the sergeant’s hand, but we still don’t know how damaged it is.