Alex Martin

​If you're on the nominating committee for the Criminal Hall of Fame and are trolling for potential inductees, you're in the wrong place, my friend. These are our Stupid Criminals of the Week.

5. Alex Martin
OK, kids, new rule, courtesy of a really dumb guy in Florida: When trying to pawn stuff you stole from a friend, go at least two counties over.

When Alex Martin walked into a Fort Myers pawn shop recently, he was shocked, and probably pretty bummed, to be greeted by his friend Keith Miller. It didn't take long for Miller to notice his fishing rods -- the ones that had recently gone missing from his garage -- in Martin's very red hands. "I said, hey, Alex how you doing?" Miller told a Florida TV station. "He looked at me like a deer in the headlights."

After trying unsuccessfully to convince a chuckling store audience that he'd actually borrowed the rods from Miller, Martin ran for it. But, as you may have guessed, he wasn't smart enough to elude police for long. He was arrested and charged with grand theft. Criminal justice experts believe Martin has no idea what any of these words mean.

Demario Johnson

​These fine citizens won't be welcome at their neighborhood block parties anytime soon. Our Creeps of the Week rarely are.

5. Demario Lamar Johnson and Lashaun Christopher Johnson
When two young, strapping men walked into a Michigan sportswear shop in the middle of a robbery, the owner's wife must have thought they were Godsends. Unfortunately for her, the only place God would send the Johnson brothers is to some really gnarly corner of hell, where the bar only served O'Doul's and the TV was stuck on St. Louis Rams football.

Lashaun Johnson

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Both in their mid-20s, there's a good chance the brothers could have helped the owner, who was wrestling with a robber on the floor when they entered. Instead, they went on a little shoplifting spree of their own, snaking a leather coat and other clothes while the owner and robber struggled on the floor.

The brothers were arrested two days later, and now face 15 years apiece. Oddsmakers say they will probably escape police custody sometime Monday, be arrested trying to return the leather coat to the store they stole it from on Tuesday, and lead our Stupid Criminals list on Wednesday.

Derek Finlinson. Occupation: Perv.

​It's Friday, which means you might be drunk soon, which means you might be passed out in an alley before you know it. If so, beware our Creeps of the Week.

5. Derek Finlinson
In this week's edition of Really, Man, You Don't Have One Friend Who Can Show You Internet Porn?, we introduce to you 24-year-old Derek Finlinson, who's so hard up to see some skin he did the one thing even the horniest of men rarely do for sex:

He went shopping.

More specifically, he braved the the fitting room of a furniture-clothing outlet in a place called Orem, Utah, where a woman caught him taking pictures of her with his cell-phone camera. As customers called for security, Finlinson scrambled to delete the pictures from his camera, instead of insisting in his highest-pitch voice that he just loved that skirt on her, which probably would have been a safer play.

Gary Jensen: "Here, try my nunchuks."

​Behold, our Police Blunders of the Week, in which we make ourselves even more scared to leave the house.

5. Gary Jensen: Gary Jensen was about to achieve the highest office in local law enforcement. And then: YouTube.

Jensen was scheduled to be sworn in as chief of police in Logan, Utah recently when the ceremony was delayed by the town's mayor, who wasn't impressed by a video that surfaced of the chief-to-be, even though the video sounds pretty amusing. While we can't find it on YouTube -- not for lack of effort! -- a local TV station says the video shows Jensen turning over his nunchuks to a civilian, who then strikes another person with them. While this would have won $10,000 on Funniest Home Videos, the Logan mayor thought it might not have been such a grand idea.

Jensen was eventually introduced as chief. Hey: At least he didn't give him his pistol, right?

Christtina Galpeau needs a new man friend.

​There are stupid criminals, and there are really stupid criminals. And then there are our Stupid Criminals of the Week.

5. Christina Galipeau and Eugene Jackson: We all crave McDonald's french fries from time to time -- it's pretty clear evolution wants it that way -- but Christina Galipeau, 22, and Eugene Jackson, 33, took things a bit far during their recent stop at a Massachusetts McD's.

After receiving the wrong size of fries -- not the wrong style burger or the wrong flavor of shake, but the wrong size of fries -- the two began hurling change at the offending cashier and another employee, apparently a 54-year-old woman, as if she didn't already feel bad that she was 54 and working at McDonald's. Since change is not good for accuracy, police say Jackson then picked up a cone from the recently washed floor and chucked it across the counter -- maybe because of the fries thing, or maybe because he once got rejected from working at McDonald's. We're guessing the latter.

After reviewing the play, the call is upheld: This guy's a perv. (Palo Alto Police).

​These five alleged bastards should make you want to take up golf, just so you have clubs in your trunk on the day God delivers one of them to you. They are also, not coincidentally, our Creeps of the Week.

1. Fry's Freak: There are so many ways a law-abiding horny guy can walk into an electronics store and walk out with some legal tool to see some female nakedness. This is not one of them.

Police in Palo Alto, California -- home to Stanford, Hewlett Packard, and one really unsubtle perv -- are looking for a man they say used a cell-phone camera to look up women's skirts while shopping in a Fry's Electronics. The man apparently strapped his cell phone to his hand bag, placed the bag onto the floor, then nudged it between the legs of women customers, distinguishing himself as the most desperate guy in Fry's -- which is really saying something.

Video footage provided images of the man, but he has yet to be caught. Did anyone check Best Buy?

Photo by Tom LeGro

The Minneapolis Police hold their weekly meeting on ways to cost taxpayers more money.

​It's not easy being a cop. In fact, it's damn hard. Way too hard for us, that's for sure. Now, with out of the way, here are our Top 5 Police Blunders of the Week!

5. Minneapolis Police: Whatever Minneapolis's line item for "bungling" is, they should probably double it. And then triple that.

The Minnesota department has spent $11 million in lawsuits since 2005, according to a Twin Cities TV station. That includes almost $500,000 for a man who suffered brain damage during a raid that he shouldn't have been a part of, plus another $600,000 for an incident in which police stormed the wrong house.

Minneapolis Police: "Serve, protect, and maybe fuck up a little, but that's what lawyers are for, right?"

Donald Goodrich is wondering how Apple's service is at the local jail.

​Feeling bad about yourself? That's what our Top 5 Stupid Criminals of the Week are for.

5. Donald Goodrich: Further proving that we're the only ones left without iPhones, 38-year-old Donald Goodrich walked into a Cincinnati-area Apple store last week to complain about the state of his phone, which apparently was not properly displaying the Pop a Cap in That Ass app. So Goodrich, yielding a really fucked up set of priorities and a super scary mustache, told store workers he would "pop a 9mm" in his phone if they didn't fix it, police said. As if a threat of gun violence from the star of America's Next Top Skinhead wasn't enough to make the Apple nerds pee themselves, Goodrich then opened his jacket to reveal an actual gun.

Goodrich has been charged with aggravated menacing and a concealed weapon violation, and now needs a defense lawyer. But don't worry. There's an app for that (or at least there should be).

Rodney Troy Whitley, author of the most costly "You still up?" text ever.

​Either criminals are getting way dumber, or we're getting way smarter. So it's settled: Criminals are getting way dumber -- and our Stupid Criminals of the Week are no exception.

5. Rodney Troy Whitley: Further proving the need for cell-phone breathalyzers, Rodney Troy Whitley so urgently needed to send a text message, he started thumbing in the message as he drove through a Florida neighborhood. He was hammered at the time, which may explain why he didn't notice his minivan veering across a lane of traffic, through a fence, and into the side of a house.

Unfortunately for Whitley, karma witnessed the incident and decided to intervene, seeing to it that the injured home belonged to a local deputy -- a development that will surely cost Whitley a couple of extra years in the slam and a less-than-fortuitous cellmate assignment when he gets there.

If you see Andrew Mogilyansky, start swinging.

​For this week's edition of Creeps of the Week, we searched America's schools, mail routes, and former Cold War adversaries for signs of kneecap-worthy creepiness. As usual, it was easy hunting.

5. Kristin Mastin: You might think that Kristen Mastin's victim, her married former lover, got what he deserved. And you might be right. But did she have to drag innocent mail carriers into it?

After Mastin and a coworker ended a three-month affair, police say, she took the time out of her not-at-all-busy life to blast the mailboxes of her lover, her lover's wife, neighbors -- anyone she could find, really -- with magazines, catalogs, and other heavy mail. As thousands of pieces of unwanted mail piled up in the couple's box, mail carriers' loads literally doubled, making Mastin, 41, the most environmentally unsafe scorned lover in the history of love triangles. She's charged with stalking, contributing to the ruining of a family, and vastly improving the reading habits of an entire Wisconsin neighborhood.